Memorial Day Tribute

It's Memorial Day weekend.....

This Memorial Day I find myself at work.
Where else would I be?It IS a holiday isn't it?

On this weekend in the past I could be found usually quite drunk and or high by this time of the night. Hell, you could have found me that way by noon really. I never really gave the holiday much thought besides making sure there was enough alcohol along with whatever else I needed for the weekend. I really should have given it some more thought but I really think that I tried to avoid it on this holiday.

My father was killed in Vietnam on June 30th, 1966 after serving just 40 days there. He was 20 years old and I was 5 months away from birth. I don't remember when I found out about all of this, it seems as if I always knew. For as long as I knew I don't know too much about him. I was told by many that he was a great guy, he would do anything for anyone and he had a strong belief in God. He was the oldest child of eight born to a farming family in western PA. That family, through so many tough times, never lost their faith in God. Although they were over 300 miles away from me while growing up, they gave me a lot of background in church over the years.

I believe my father was a young man who had great potential to do incredible things with his life. He chose to serve our country and to try to be a career military person. That choice took him to Vietnam. While serving there he chose an act of heroism to save the lives of others. That was a choice to give his life to spare theirs. So I would say that yes, he was the kind of guy who would do anything for anyone.

He is not unique among those who have served our country and those who do today. He is unique to me because he was my father. He never had a chance to hold me, to see my first steps, to hear my first words. I never had a chance to hear his words of wisdom that as a teen I would have likely ignored. Although his musical gift was carried on to me I never heard him play guitar or sing..... he could have taught me my first chords. I am told I would have likely been an avid hunter or angler had he lived, he loved the outdoors, as do I.

I was fortunate that I was carried to term through my mother receiving the news of my fathers death. I was also very lucky that she remarried a man whom, although we have different last names, I call dad to this day. He was good to me growing up and did the best he could with what he had.

So this Memorial Day, besides remembering my old ways of polluting my mind and numbing the pain I am trying to remember my father..... a man I never knew. Also all who were lost in combat over the years as well as those who are currently serving our country both here and abroad should be remembered in our thoughts and prayers. Such duty can be thankless and deadly..... and such losses unrecoverable, devastating and lasting.

My father.....

Growing Up

It is something we do long after we are full grown it seems.

I can't speak for everyone, but I personally have done more growing up since I have reached full grown than I did prior. I am not referring to a physical growth, although there has been some of that, mostly around the middle which is less than desirable.

This growth is internal..... emotional & spiritual.

It is in these areas I hovered around grade school levels until recently. I am not saying that I have come all that far since becoming more aware of my lack of maturity in some of these areas. Today I may be closer to graduating junior high school, emotionally and spiritually.

I am taking an approach that someone recently shared with me.

The question was posed:

"How would you eat an elephant?" - sounds silly right?

Well, the answer is obvious..... a bite at a time.

I am looking back at things I have said and done and my reasons and rationalizations behind these words and actions. I have hurt others with lies and omissions of truth and in turn stunted my own emotional and spiritual growth. Much of this is due to not being properly equipped to deal with reality and honestly express my needs and feelings.

The thing is, I can't attempt to fix it all at once or assume I can fix it all, at all.

To try to swallow the whole elephant in one bite would be futile. Likewise trying to fix the damage I have done to myself and others in one day is unrealistic and quite impossible, not to mention totally overwhelming.

It took a lot of years of avoidance of feelings, truth, reality..... of 'growing up' in general, before I could no longer avoid it. I cannot expect to resolve my problem(s) with myself as well as others in a few days, weeks or even months.

So I have taken a few bites and some of them could use some salt..... no, maybe sugar would be better. These things are salty enough. But no amount of sugar can sweeten the wrongs of the past. I am 'bite by bite' handling these things, picking them up and looking at them from all angles. It may not be easy but it is healthy and it is the grown up thing to do.

So today, at age 41 I am experiencing growing pains like never before. If it only it were as easy as a snake shedding its outgrown and dead skin. This is, at times, like the shedding of live skin with all nerves still intact.

The absolute beauty of all of this.....

I am still alive to feel it and do it.

Each day that I am given will be used for good and right, because each day is a gift that we are given.

Today is a gift, to be unwrapped.....

.....that is why it's called the present.